My big Pif.

So I have this term that I use (mostly to myself) when I'm writing. When I finally make a connection, or write something that brings things together or get a good idea, I tend to call it a Min Pif. It means a small epiphany. Something small that makes sense of everything.

Today I had a great big Pif completely unrelated to my writing.

I had a very inconsequential exchange of sorts. Nothing of importance. Not an argument or a problem in any way. Just a short conversation. But I was still left on an unsure note.

As I sat in my car later, contemplating this exchange, I began a very interesting thought process. I began to think, well what does this mean? Is this person pissed? Will they decide they don't want to talk to me anymore? Did I do something wrong?

I analyzed every bit of the exchange always asking myself if and where I went wrong.

Then, in my mind, I became defiant. Well if they don't want to deal with me anymore that sucks but fine. I'll just have to deal with it.

Then something clicked into place in my head. (This is where the Big Pif happens, people.)

I recognized this thought process. This is something I do damn near ANY time I have a conversation with anyone that turns out less than perfect. Especially in my work but not limited to that realm.

I immediately assume something might be wrong. Next I assume I have done something wrong to cause this. Finally I actually leap to the conclusion and accept that this person is done with me outside of any obligation they may have. In my warped mind, I can some how readily accept that it would be so easy for someone to, basically, leave me behind.

Huh.

Now this isn't some sappy, sentimental post. I just thought it was bizarre. If someone had asked me point blank before if I do this exact thing, I probably would have been confused and answered no, not at all. It wasn't until I was able to recognize the process AS it happened that I even realized that I do this.

After realizing this, I reflected on my interactions with people who have been of lesser importance-people I've met in passing, people I've never met because I was too afraid to talk to them or reach out. Same pattern with the only difference being that I never believed myself to be someone who could offer anything that they would want. I reflected on many, many paths I've dreamt of taking over time and never took one step in that direction. Same pattern. It was not possible for me. I don't really know why I felt like that, but I did. Maybe still do? I dunno. This a fairly new Pif.

Talk about some deep rooted shit!

Where does this come from? What experiences in my life left me with this belief that it's normal for people not to want me? Well, I guess the obvious is my Mom leaving when I was a toddler. Little more than two years old. As an educator I know that the experiences we have in the first three years can actually physically alter brain structure, such is the impact. Could that be it? Could that one experience have resulted in this?

I'm no psychologist but it is interesting to wonder about. How to fix it? Well I'm going to guess that even realizing you're doing it is helpful. Beyond that, you've got me. I teach people about brain development every single day and I have no idea.

I just thought it was interesting.